Leaving Really Does Fuck You Up

If anything than chocolate and travelling are my true addictions, symptoms are clear to everyone. To my dentist most for what it has to do with chocolate and to my dearest for the travelling. Damn, I can't stay long in one place without getting a serious case of abstinence. It gets me even as far as to think I'm mentally too unstable for the real world. Mood swings, asocial behaviour, the almost physical pain and the need to hurt myself or just finish it all. Beautiful village life, nature, silent nights with stary sky, no obligation but to eat, drink, and take care that your plants and animals do the same. Add to that hot summers, when you even kiss your hobbies goodbye, because it's just too hot to think, what else to move.

All of us, travellers, have this special need for discovering the unknown, the beauties behind the borders of states and those in our minds. We live in constant search for new awe ..... We can not get trapped in one place because the beauty of it stands on it's past, present and future that we can't get a look in when only passing by. We get so touched by the little things like listening to heart breaking sound of guitar of a homeless guy behind the corner, knowing his story, thinking about his plausible future, might just be the trigger that would crack us.

It doesn't mean we can simply ignore all those stories of past, all those moments to come, nor does it mean that we're able to always see the actual present (ki se odpira) before our eyes. Sometimes, when our minds stop a little on one little moment, we get to feel the full strenght of hapiness, sadness or devotion. Sometimes it's too much.

We're cowards, we want to see it all, we know there's no place like home, but we know there's something amazing just around the corner. We're afraid of missing the next awesome thing that might happen to us, and we're even more afraid to let this person right here, right next to us, to hurt us as much as we know they can. So we go, and we run. And when we stop, we get really confused, because looking from a standstill the view is completely different.

I love coming back to my start position, my home, but a standstill here also gets the closest to me. So I guess I always swear more when I'm back home, and I'm bitchy, and even have silent treatments that can take forever. Dear god, at home I even take the time to kill those innocent but hell of an annoying flies and other types of bugs.

So, at the age of 26, am I correct if I say that home gets the worst out of me and that that's completely normal? That if/when one day I find a place I would want to make my new home, travelling will go from lifestyle to hobby and my kids are gonna be whining about how I get the worst out of them?

Nah, I don't see any conection or sense in what I'm saying anymore! That could be just because of another mood swing that happened somewhere during the writing of this post. But hey - that's fine, because mood swings are completely normal for women, according to Cosmo! ;)

So I guess what I'm saying is, travelling's awesome but it fucks you up a little or just as much as any other drug that gets control over you.

Rehab or Nothing - They're Feeding Me Bullshit Again

Really, mom, really? Really, really?? Really!? Things changed?! Don't bullshit me with crap like that!! How can a woman so great, a woman so clever get stuck in an idea so weak?

Couple days that I'm back home again ... I say I'm on holidays. Everybody's keep asking me the same question: So, are you good now with travelling? You've done many things, now you stay home, right?

Fuck yeah! I'm on holidays here! I gave a promise to myself to not get stuck again and I keep my promises. Over my dead body will I stay here!

Rehab or nothing, that's the only idea I follow.

Leaving Makes You Learn How Much You Love

I've always had this tendency to run away and dissapear and I never really thought about where it comes from. I thought I'm just trying to escape to whichever unbearable situation. I thought it was just another flaw, a sign of weakness when I couldn't confront my life.
On the other hand, everytime I'm away far from everyone I care of, there's always new people that get so close to me, new friendships develop, that in the end I'm afraid of leaving them in order to return back home. Sometimes I even feel like only leaving makes me realize how attached I am to people around me and how I'll always miss someone no matter where I am. And this hurts. At the same time it feels beautiful to have all this amazing people around you even if they're physically on the other side of the world. Because of that I'll always be a fan of new tech and social networks that steal our privacy on one side but enable us to keep in touch with our loved ones that we can't spend 'real' time with whenever we want.

That much about fear of leaving. Then there's the whole other side of the story ...

I'm afraid of returning, I'm afraid of getting stuck there. I'm not the same girl anymore. I don't want to get sucked in that alcoholic cycle of hell again. It frightens me!!!!! I've been away for so many months, I created a new life of my own, different routine, different lunch menus, I've been on my own again, leaving my life. Sure, as my flatmates would kindly remind me, I never really left my family life back home and there were many crisis moments. But many of them was just because of this fear coming more and more to life. I want to go home, I want to see my friends and family again, spend the summer in my beautiful country! I just want it to be only holidays for me. I want to keep lliving my life then. Live on my own, get a job, go out with friends, sleep in my bed with my guy without having to introduce him to my whole family. All those ordinary things young women do. Yeah, I want a life of a young woman, not just another trapped alcoholic's daughter.

I'm going back home in couple of weeks. Keep your fingers crossed for me, whoever you are reading this, send me all the positive thoughts you can, I'll need them.

May Their Souls Find Peace

One of my dad's closest friends died. Many years of heavy drinking took its toll. He was one of dad's excuses for not having real problems with alcohol.

I am too far away. I don't know what to do. I feel my dad's sadness just as much as my friend's who lost his dad to this evil that ruins our lives.

I share pain and tears with them and I have absolutely no idea how to express my feelings to them. I am too far away, I can't do this over the phone what else the internet. I don't know what to do.

I don't want to be alone, I don't want my friends' pity, I don't want their ignorance. I don't want neither their hugs nor them trying to make me laugh. I don't want them to try to do anything.

I just want to keep on walking until I get through the no man's land and feel again what I am to do.

I just don't want to feel so alone when there's so many people around me.

I just need somebody who'd really understand, who's feel how I feel.

What's happening next?!

My Crazy Awesome Family

How I feel about my family changes almost every instant ... sometimes I miss them, sometimes I'm angry with them, sometimes they make me laugh, sometimes they make me tremble in fear. All together, I worry about them way too much but at the same time I wonder if it's really wrong to care about someone so much?

Then, every now and then, there is thought, a memory, a wish, that makes me aware of how good my family is. How good is each and every one of them. Sure, they mostly piss me off and drive me crazy, that's normal - they're my parents, they're my siblings! But hey, they are such amazing, smart and beautiful persons, it makes my ego boost and it makes me feel proud to tears to be a member of this crazy awesome family.

Anything Can Be a Trigger

I've been living thousand miles away from my family for almost half of a year now. I turned a new page, started a different life in an unknown place. Working hard, learning new languages, creating new friendships, even falling in love.

But it takes almost nothing to come right back to where I was for all those years before I moved away.
A weekend free of any obligations. A photo on Facebook. An email from sister. Or just a random drunk guy walking out of the bar.

Nothing changed at home. I know that. I saw it, others confirmed it. My dad's still turning in his cycles. My mum still doesn't have the courage to face him directly. My siblings still say it doesn't hurt them.

I, thousand miles away, am still searching for what I could do more, better, smarter.

It's been exactly six years since I was trembling during that awfull drive and we got back home with only a broken side mirror. Six years since I realized that alcohol is controlling my dad. I have no idea how much earlier, before I was ready to accept this fact, it really started. Since then we've gone through nearly all those stages of addicted families. He stopped drinking beer, then he stopped with the wine, for couple weeks first, then for couple months. Reassured that he can still control it, started drinking again, first one glass, then uncountable amounts. Laughed and joked on his sober days, being the perfect dad one could wish for, agonized and terorized everyone with his hatred and pain on the drunk ones. Up and down, back and forth we followed him.

All of this is still going on, only that there's a thousand miles between us. Only that I don't have to see nor smell it. And the little voice that got stuck in my head through all those hours of therapy keeps repeating the same thing. I can help most if I have a happy and fullfilled life. Fine! I know you're right! It just feels so unreal to be happy!

Being happy? What it that? Only good luck on the days when you manage to forget about the rest. But I'll keep on trying, until I believe I too have the right to be happy, until I accept that good times come and go just as well as the bad times aren't supposed to last forever.

New Year - of Opportunities for Happiness!

My dear friend,

Merry Christmas and may it be a good New Year to you!

My last year was finally a good year for me, it offered me an opportunity to overcome many troubles, conflicts and hard illnesses, and to again find hapiness in myself. For last years I was wandering over this world not knowing what to do, who to turn to, how to save my dearest from my greatest fears. I was happy many times, I laughed a lot, I had many experiences that I would not change for anything - neither the bad nor the good ones. I feel good to be who I am now. My life lessons have so far been most challenging and I wouldn't want them to be anything less but that!

I haven't written to you in all this time, I don't know why. I guess I needed different ways to find my way and I stopped writing letters, well, stopped writing anything not just letters.

Last year was an amazing blessing because I found my faith again. Faith in life. I realized I'm not responsible for others but for myself. I found my friends again, joined a new choir, started new sport and found much peace in climbing walls of many different rocks, I travelled most northern that I've ever been, I've fallen in and out of love, I wrote my diploma, graduated and moved to France! 

So many of my dreams came true last year, I'm afraid it can't go better than that. I can't believe in how many things I succeded! I'm doing my EVS volunteering now here in the most rainy part of France and taking time to figure out what to do next. I've been trying to please and help others for so long, I'm really not sure about myself anymore. It's so hard to know what you I want! I don't want to search no more excuses in my alcoholic family which makes it only harder as I know no other way ... But I'm trying and I'm fighting and I'm hoping this year will only be (even) better than the last one!

May we find happiness in every single day and may we let ourselves be happy!

Yours truly