The further the better

Melancholic depressed people as we are in our family we look at the world in an extremely hostile way as if the life was made only to run us down, again and again. Studies and distance from my family enabled me to see the other side of it. In the moment of worse life crisis they faced me with mirrored images of me. The same in the exactly opposite way. New boyfriend and friends, which I ran into just before dad's accident, are the kind of people who believe that they only get what they expect and want from life - and that is always a positive thing. Even if something that at first seems bad happens, ther is a good purpose behind it.

Away from the family a started living for real and pushed aside that genetic predisposition for depression. But, as a black hole sucks everything in, coming back home turns you outside in again. I'm now finishing college, learning so much about myself and my dearest as I never have before. I'm learning to think positively, running away from the negative mindset, which seems like it can't be changed. My relationships with individuals in our family might have improved in quality yet the continue to go on with their lifes in nearly exactly the same way they always did. And when I let it, my life follows their way again.

I think this is the time for me to choose my own future. To choose my new home. God knows I love my family best when I'm far away from them. That's when I know I'll miss them and be honestly looking forward to seeing them.

---

Melanholični depresivci, kakršni smo v naši družini, na svet gledamo izredno sovražno kot da je življenje tu zato, da nas povozi, vsak dan znova. Študij in oddaljenost od družine sta mi omogočila videt še drugo stran. V času največje krize pa mi ob stran postavila moje zrcalne podobe. Nov fant in prijatelji, ki sem jih spoznala malo pred očetovo nesrečo so ljudje, ki verjamejo, da dobijo od življenja samo tisto, kar pričakujejo - in to je vedno pozitivno. Tudi če se zgodi kaj na prvi pogled slabega, se to zgodi s svojim namenom.

Stran od družine sem že zaživela na polno in potisnila tisto genetsko depresivno predispozicijo na stran, a kaj ko te kot črna luknja potegne nazaj vase, v trenuku ko se vrneš domov. Zdaj zaključujem prvi del študija, učim se o sebi in svojih najbližjih kot se nisem nikoli prej. Učim se pozitivnih vzorcev in bežim od negativnih, ki jih ne morem spremenit. Moj odnos s posamezniki v družini se je mogoče izboljšal kakovostno, vendar njihovo življenje še vedno teče po istih tirih naprej. In kadar mu pustim, povleče mene za sabo.

Mislim, da je čas, da izberem svojo prihodnost. Da izberem svoj novi dom. Ker, bog ve, imam svojo družino najraje, ko sem daleč stran. Vem, da jih bom takrat spet pogrešala in se veselila snidenja.

The pain in the a** of making right choices

I had a week of good old fashioned holiday with no worry, no (hard) work and lots of books books books. I  kind of miss the sea part of summer holiday a little but you can't have it all, can you. I miss the sun a lot with al this clouds above us, but you can't have it all. Or can you?

Anyway, by the end of the week I finished reading 'Tis from Frank McCourt and by the end of the book the good part of the holiday was gone. I was bored with no worries on my mind for such a long time and there it was, What the fuck are you doing with you life?! runing back and forth in my head again.

I'm at nearly exactly the same point as most of my closest friends were when they were close to finishing schooling. I was very good at school through all these years. Now, having only two little steps to get to the finish, it seems like I tripped over my own foot, just like that other time when I was the fourth runner at torch run, tripped at the last moment and ended up litteraly flying to the finish line. The one funny part of it was how my friends thought I was doing it to win the team a better position ... I guess the funny part now would be how others think I'm running so damn well with all the opportunities waiting for me.

Yet, to me it's almost painful, I really don't want to finish with school, just as much as I'm terrified only thinking of continuing, getting a higher degree, sitting in the class again listening to professors' theory about how they're the one and only god of whatever they're teaching. On the other hand, 8-4 work in an office sitting behind a computer, starting now and until I turn half blind sounds just as scary. Is there realy nothing more I can do with my life? Oh but there is, there's plenty of choices, none of them an easy one though ... Could I even deal with the tough choices? I can't even get my whole family to fight dad's alcoholism together.

I'd say McCourt wasn't the best reading for me at the moment, facing me even harder with the cyclic life of an addicted soul. His direct writing felt good anyways, it felt so close, as if an AA member would be telling me his story with the only purpose to share it with me so I know that I'm not alone in the fight.

'This leads to an argument where I tell her I know my father drank too much and abandoned us but he's my father, not hers, and she'll never understand how it was when he didn't drink, mornings I had with him by the fire,  listening to his talk about Ireland's noble past and Ireland's great sufferings.'

He's my dad, he won't be erased from my life but I have to move on on my own now, carefully making the choice that will be best for my own future. He didn't teach me how to make the right decisions maybe and I thought for long that he was at least the role model of the life I have to avoid, something I have to run from for any price. Running away doesn't sound like a rational thing to do either any more now.

Afterall ... 'isn't this the country where all things are possible, where you can do anything you like as long as you stop complaining and get off your ass because life, pal, is not a free lunch.'

In the end, I just want to have a good strong sleep and wake up with a feeling that I (can) do something. Move the mountains. One at a time. That's all. 


Only I can't seem to find anyone who'd kick my ass off the comfy seat of our modern education process.