Hello there, and greetings from Germany!
Yes, I did it, I packed up (if you can call throwing everything you might find useful in the biggest available suitcase) and left on a real journey! It took me two times eight hours to get to my destinations and it was equally exhausting as it was pleasant to be travelling again, travelling cheap that is - sharing a lift, taking a train etc. It felt like such a long time ago when I was last abroad like this, hoping that I don't miss the next train or break a nail carrying that g**d**n heavy suitcase. Thanks god I was lifting weights for last couple of weeks!
I'm not fond of German language, actually the whole culture for that matter. I can understand some words and more importantly can say something like 'nicht verstehe' good enough for everyone to stop with that German chattering of theirs. Well, half of them actually just nods and continues talking, somehow believing that I will understand them for some reason.
It makes it all an even bigger adventure like this, although I'm on most safe way of travelling to meet my moms desires at least a bit. I don't suppose you'd be surprised if I told you she'd prefered I'd stay at home, always. Anyway, it's the best distraction in months, being completely on my own somewhere I almost know nothing at all. And seeing my dearests again!
First time after all this I feel that I don't have the need to write this blog. Running away every now and then has always been my thing, afterall.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Getting back to you
Green is known for it's calming effects, it's the color to surround youself with if you want to meditate. And it most definitely works for me.
Things are changing soooooo slowly, with smaller than mouse's steps I am in the end moving on. I think. Oh and I think a lot! I'd say about 70 % of my waking time I think and try to figure out the whys, hows, wheres ... and with the rest of the time I actually do something.
I feel disappointed of myself for all the things I wanted to do with my life by now. It felt like I have all this time and although I always knew I'll never be able to fullfill all my wishes and ideas, there were things I thought I will do. But they're still waiting for me. They wait for my decision only. Everything else's supposed to be only excuses.
Yet, I find deciding even harder lately.
Besides being at the begining of my 'adult' life, of creating my own life, in the times of so called crisis, finishing school ... slowly ... besides all this normal things that accompany every important step in life, I have trouble sorting my priorities out. Another new feeling that appeared just recently is that I'm ready to move out. Leave for good, without weekends at home. And not only am I ready for it, I feel like this should be my next step, this is what I need to help myself move on in a good way, without regrets. Regrets like - is my family ready for this?
It took me 4 years to accept the idea of dad's alcoholism and start living with it. I still remember the exact day before this couple of years when I realized that it went to far. Other things followed (and I realized later that some preceded as well) that brought me down to the bottom of that era. In next months I built a small wall around myself, keeping all of my real self in there, consuming and diggesting itself all over again. Instead of getting better, I created non-identifiable fear. At that point I started being afraid of everything that might go wrong. I was afraid of driving. I was afraid of being driven. I was afraid my dad could have a heart attack. I was afraid my grandma could have a stroke. I was afraid what could happen to any of us if ...
I was afraid of everything, I saw potential danger in everything. You can imagine I became a very nervous person. I was afraid of what consequences that might have on my body. I pushed the button 'PAUSE'. Time went on although I felt as if frozen in it and after a while, after quite some time, I got to see that my life moved on somehow, without me. Things turned out for better, at school, at home, I got a job, I fell in love. Fears remained but they were quieter. The wall around me softened enough for me to feel the sun beams getting through.
After that, life happened again. The way it's supposed to be - it went a bit up then a bit down, and up, and down ... it's own way. Dad's accident happened. I realized nothing really changed at all.
Four years of life, new experiences, aquaintances, friends, family members, getting ill and getting better, yet here I was, with and alcoholic dad, a family who blamed him for whatever he did and myself who hadn't done anything about it.
I sometimes feel like things aren't moving at all for last couple of months. But when I thing of these four years I know I've done a lot. I don't want to call those years to be wasted, as they weren't, they were just a very slow progress, some kind of movement, just like a very slowly moving river that on surface looks like a swamp.
I'd say there's still a wall around me, although it might not be so thick anymore. I'm still afraid of many things, I guess I'm in some constant panic about what might happen. During these four years a fear of height appeared from nowhere and I can't seem to get rid of it though loving rock climbing! No matter what, all of this, and more, lead me only one way - to getting back to myself.
As slowly as it's going, I'm sure of my progress. And I'm sure of dad's progress. But I'm not sure for the rest of my family. Their four years have been lasting for much longer time and I'm not sure how close to its ending are they ...
Things are changing soooooo slowly, with smaller than mouse's steps I am in the end moving on. I think. Oh and I think a lot! I'd say about 70 % of my waking time I think and try to figure out the whys, hows, wheres ... and with the rest of the time I actually do something.
I feel disappointed of myself for all the things I wanted to do with my life by now. It felt like I have all this time and although I always knew I'll never be able to fullfill all my wishes and ideas, there were things I thought I will do. But they're still waiting for me. They wait for my decision only. Everything else's supposed to be only excuses.
Yet, I find deciding even harder lately.
Besides being at the begining of my 'adult' life, of creating my own life, in the times of so called crisis, finishing school ... slowly ... besides all this normal things that accompany every important step in life, I have trouble sorting my priorities out. Another new feeling that appeared just recently is that I'm ready to move out. Leave for good, without weekends at home. And not only am I ready for it, I feel like this should be my next step, this is what I need to help myself move on in a good way, without regrets. Regrets like - is my family ready for this?
It took me 4 years to accept the idea of dad's alcoholism and start living with it. I still remember the exact day before this couple of years when I realized that it went to far. Other things followed (and I realized later that some preceded as well) that brought me down to the bottom of that era. In next months I built a small wall around myself, keeping all of my real self in there, consuming and diggesting itself all over again. Instead of getting better, I created non-identifiable fear. At that point I started being afraid of everything that might go wrong. I was afraid of driving. I was afraid of being driven. I was afraid my dad could have a heart attack. I was afraid my grandma could have a stroke. I was afraid what could happen to any of us if ...
I was afraid of everything, I saw potential danger in everything. You can imagine I became a very nervous person. I was afraid of what consequences that might have on my body. I pushed the button 'PAUSE'. Time went on although I felt as if frozen in it and after a while, after quite some time, I got to see that my life moved on somehow, without me. Things turned out for better, at school, at home, I got a job, I fell in love. Fears remained but they were quieter. The wall around me softened enough for me to feel the sun beams getting through.
After that, life happened again. The way it's supposed to be - it went a bit up then a bit down, and up, and down ... it's own way. Dad's accident happened. I realized nothing really changed at all.
Four years of life, new experiences, aquaintances, friends, family members, getting ill and getting better, yet here I was, with and alcoholic dad, a family who blamed him for whatever he did and myself who hadn't done anything about it.
I sometimes feel like things aren't moving at all for last couple of months. But when I thing of these four years I know I've done a lot. I don't want to call those years to be wasted, as they weren't, they were just a very slow progress, some kind of movement, just like a very slowly moving river that on surface looks like a swamp.
I'd say there's still a wall around me, although it might not be so thick anymore. I'm still afraid of many things, I guess I'm in some constant panic about what might happen. During these four years a fear of height appeared from nowhere and I can't seem to get rid of it though loving rock climbing! No matter what, all of this, and more, lead me only one way - to getting back to myself.
As slowly as it's going, I'm sure of my progress. And I'm sure of dad's progress. But I'm not sure for the rest of my family. Their four years have been lasting for much longer time and I'm not sure how close to its ending are they ...
Monday, July 18, 2011
Into the wild
Couple months ago I went from writing this blog to long walks in nature and started collectiong herbs. By now I have more than 20 different kinds, all have some kind of healing power, couple of most healty ones tastes more than awfull, most of the rest makes a fine cup of tea. Wherever I walk I can't but look for known and unknown flowers that could turn out to be useful. Mostly with my dog, who became a great companion on these quests, even though she sometimes scares me even more when there's a strange sound in the bushes nearby. On other occasions I'm simply rude, looking away from a person talking to me, walking with me through the town. First thought when I come back home after couple of days are my drying herbs. First concern when thinking about long vacation abroad are herbs. Second place goes to the dog and then the rest of the family. Sorry guys.
This whole 'herbal witch' thing got under my skin. In this last period of my life herbs have successully started healing my soul. Surrounded by green, the wind, birds, colorful landscape, the fear of meeting a bear, wild boar or a huge deer, well, all this creates an irreplaceble environment for getting closer to myself, to nature, to life. In search of new flowers I think of that only, which is an incredible new feeling of clear, nearly empty mind. Getting far enough from home and reaching that 'green' mind set is to me the best moment to connect my mind with heart. To think clearer, to feel stronger (thanks to elevated sense of fear of a possible meeting with a bear, I guess), and especially to be just a being conversing with another (as I said my dog is great, always listens to what I say) (... unless there's a deer within her reach, of course).
My sanity might have never been so questionable before. Yet, I feel so sane. It's just that - I don't feel good, or smarter, or better, or healthier ... - I feel sane, because I feel myself.
Most likely, it's just another non-existant structure neither in English nor in my language. It's meaning probably hasn't much sense in linguistics, maybe there actually is an appropriate word for it, but to me the word itself doesn't really matter. It is a feeling I want to present. I doubt that it can be put in man-created words, just like love, which has so many various meanings that the feelings one has could never be expressed solely by this four-letter word.
Anyway, it seems like I lost track of my thoughts. So let me get back to my herbs, which are quietly waiting to be sorted out in paper bags. I'm pretty sure this will also sort my thoughts out and I'll get back to you saner.
This whole 'herbal witch' thing got under my skin. In this last period of my life herbs have successully started healing my soul. Surrounded by green, the wind, birds, colorful landscape, the fear of meeting a bear, wild boar or a huge deer, well, all this creates an irreplaceble environment for getting closer to myself, to nature, to life. In search of new flowers I think of that only, which is an incredible new feeling of clear, nearly empty mind. Getting far enough from home and reaching that 'green' mind set is to me the best moment to connect my mind with heart. To think clearer, to feel stronger (thanks to elevated sense of fear of a possible meeting with a bear, I guess), and especially to be just a being conversing with another (as I said my dog is great, always listens to what I say) (... unless there's a deer within her reach, of course).
My sanity might have never been so questionable before. Yet, I feel so sane. It's just that - I don't feel good, or smarter, or better, or healthier ... - I feel sane, because I feel myself.
Most likely, it's just another non-existant structure neither in English nor in my language. It's meaning probably hasn't much sense in linguistics, maybe there actually is an appropriate word for it, but to me the word itself doesn't really matter. It is a feeling I want to present. I doubt that it can be put in man-created words, just like love, which has so many various meanings that the feelings one has could never be expressed solely by this four-letter word.
Anyway, it seems like I lost track of my thoughts. So let me get back to my herbs, which are quietly waiting to be sorted out in paper bags. I'm pretty sure this will also sort my thoughts out and I'll get back to you saner.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
When is a good day just a good day?
My family's had couple of nice and positive days, even though that still includes our special way of sarcastic/cynical/sometimes barking communication and attitude towards life. Kind of hard to explain better, I suppose one either knows the feeling or doesn't.
Anyway, in this happy family world I wouldn't be myself if I wouldn't worry ... We're far from a perfect happy family, I could still kick my sister's ass every day for some reason or another and I can't stand seeing the kid wasting all this time either on computer or in front of TV! My mom, that's a whole another story as I'm never sure if she'll accept my jokes or get offended by it. On the other hand my relationship with dad is nearly rock steady at the moment (knocking on the wood...). The two of us have had some pretty rough times of not talking/hating each other for months and even years. It's a great step forward that we can talk, even when it means that we fight. Rarely any discussion is finished in mutual agreement on a matter, we're both too stubborn and always too proud to admit a mistake. But we TALK. I say something, he listens. He says something, I listen.
Well, not always, to be completely honest. It's still a daughter-daddy relationship :)
So the thing that worries me is how do I know if he's genuinely in a good mood or if it is already the peak of current enthusiasm before the deep fall back into the regular mood? It's so unusual to be able to converse with him and see him in good spirits, even though I can't really differ any more if's it's because he's had some spirits or is it the real feeling ... And then when he's in a really good mood it just confuses me more! Sure, I wouldn't have problems with this if his general health condition would be ok and not one of an alcoholic ...
The other night the whole family went out together, I'd say it's been lots of months if not years since this last happened. It this then that I saw how we were a really happy family, 2 boys and 3 girls, who love to dance and ruled the dancefloor. I'm not exaggerating, we do look our best when we dance all together :) Anyhow, dad of course danced with all of us girls, and that's when this unnecessary thought came to my mind and got stuck there since.
How much can he take? What if his body can't work with all this sudden activity and excitement?
Is there an answer to that, that I could find somewhere?
Anyway, in this happy family world I wouldn't be myself if I wouldn't worry ... We're far from a perfect happy family, I could still kick my sister's ass every day for some reason or another and I can't stand seeing the kid wasting all this time either on computer or in front of TV! My mom, that's a whole another story as I'm never sure if she'll accept my jokes or get offended by it. On the other hand my relationship with dad is nearly rock steady at the moment (knocking on the wood...). The two of us have had some pretty rough times of not talking/hating each other for months and even years. It's a great step forward that we can talk, even when it means that we fight. Rarely any discussion is finished in mutual agreement on a matter, we're both too stubborn and always too proud to admit a mistake. But we TALK. I say something, he listens. He says something, I listen.
Well, not always, to be completely honest. It's still a daughter-daddy relationship :)
So the thing that worries me is how do I know if he's genuinely in a good mood or if it is already the peak of current enthusiasm before the deep fall back into the regular mood? It's so unusual to be able to converse with him and see him in good spirits, even though I can't really differ any more if's it's because he's had some spirits or is it the real feeling ... And then when he's in a really good mood it just confuses me more! Sure, I wouldn't have problems with this if his general health condition would be ok and not one of an alcoholic ...
The other night the whole family went out together, I'd say it's been lots of months if not years since this last happened. It this then that I saw how we were a really happy family, 2 boys and 3 girls, who love to dance and ruled the dancefloor. I'm not exaggerating, we do look our best when we dance all together :) Anyhow, dad of course danced with all of us girls, and that's when this unnecessary thought came to my mind and got stuck there since.
How much can he take? What if his body can't work with all this sudden activity and excitement?
Is there an answer to that, that I could find somewhere?
Thursday, July 7, 2011
We might move on but the world stays pretty much the same
I didn't talk about dad in a while. Lots has happened and is still happening. Gladly, I can say that now the 'happening' got a more active undertone. The story's viewpoint changed as the main character stopped solely observing its environment and continued with ones life.
It took me quite some time to realize how this blog isn't about getting my dad straight at all. It's simply about getting myself straight.
It took me quite some time to realize how this blog isn't about getting my dad straight at all. It's simply about getting myself straight.
It was and still is god damn hard to face alcoholism. However, I wouldn't change this last couple of months for nothing. Yes, I'm an even bigger cryer now - there's hardly a post written without tears! I also find it really hard not to show when I'm in good mood for a change, I realized by now that dancing on a song that comes to your ears while waiting for a bus isn't really a common behaviour. In the end - I grew couple years mentally older and yet I look so young, now even younger with my new boy-cut hair!
To sum it all, sarcasm rocks! Being able to fluently digest problems in shortest time possible even more. Not feeling like you have to know everything and be responsible for whatever happens in the world is a priceless lesson d'Amelie Poulain.
In any case, I've a lot to learn still, besides mastering sarcasm to a quality level. No matter what happens, life goes on, and it's only up to you if you adapt to its new form or not. Yes, it can hurt, it can hurt a lot and the pain won't just go away with time. Then one day it will become just a painfull memory, one brick among all other moments that built up your life's home.
In any case, I've a lot to learn still, besides mastering sarcasm to a quality level. No matter what happens, life goes on, and it's only up to you if you adapt to its new form or not. Yes, it can hurt, it can hurt a lot and the pain won't just go away with time. Then one day it will become just a painfull memory, one brick among all other moments that built up your life's home.
As for my dad, he is in the phase of believing he can become a moderate drinker again. He drinks, less but still. He's changing slowly with every day yet staying the same in manners I'd wanted him to change. What matter most, is that we get along better now. Whenever it'll happen, I'll be there when he'll want to move on.
Told you I was a cryer! ;(
Told you I was a cryer! ;(
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