Recently I broke up with another great man. Great because he fully supported me in everything I tried to achieve. He was attentive, loving, caring, fun, smart. He left the toilet seat down and clean. He cooked and cleaned. He wasn't aggresive towards me, he wasn't ashamed of drinking juice in a bar with his friends.
Another great man. We had ups and downs and knew it's the natural flow of how things in life go. We loved and cared about each other, we made compromises or fought when we couldn't get to a common point. Everything was fine.
But it didn't feel right.
Something felt wrong all the way through, for more than a year. I wanted and tried to find that thing and point the finger at it. As I couldn't find that thing, I thought it's only my modern being of not wanting to settle for the rest of my time with one person. Wanting more, wanting new.
He was with me through my toughest times when I admit to myself dad's alcoholism and that we need help. He was with me when I was searching for help and working on changing things. Another great man was with me couple years ago, when I knew about dad's drinking problem but was hoping things will change everytime dad tried to drink less. When we were spinning in this vicious circle faster and faster.
In many things I have changed so much, I know more about myself and who I want to spend my life with. I can point the finger at the things I want. I am a becoming young woman. Yet I'm still just a daughter, daddy's little girl. Afraid of turning into my grumpy, always annoyed and complaining mother in that exact moment when I grow up.
Since my last break up I changed in knowing more precisely what I want my partner-for-life to be and I changed in knowing that I shouldn't keep searching for him as long as I'm afraid of myself. I know who I want to be and I know who I can turn out to be. Until I can regulate on which side of this line I'm standing without swaying left or right, there should be no another great man who'd have to suffer of my crossing the line. He does not deserve it. And I don't deserve to be afraid of my future self. This is what I'm working on now, this is what I have to go through alone.
Thank you for being with me, especially through last couple of months.
I'm sorry for the times when I hurt you. It wasn't you, it was me ;)
It still is about me. So please accept my apology and if anything, take this thing out of our relationship: make yourself your first priority.
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