Mom, That Hurts!

Do you want to say I haven't suffered enough? That I don't know what's a hard childhood because I had both of my parents - simply because they are alive and I live with them? Even though they fought like hell throughout my childhood and yelled at us children every time they had a bad day? Even though dad turned into an alcoholic when I was still a teenager and dragged us through his shit for a third of my life? Even though I'm desperately searching for help, trying to learn and move on from this but I don't want to leave my family behind? Even though I've been hoping we'd find help together yet nobody but myself helped me when I needed it? Even though I begged to face dad and get him to a rehab and you chickened out because it's easier to complain, yell and suffer for you?

I didn't suffer a good portion of shit in my god damn short life so far?! That's what you're trying to say?!

Fuck you!!

Don't worry, my anger with you about today ends with this post, I am too smart to drag this shit with me through life. Because yes, I do believe I make the life I live. And damn, do I feel like getting wasted with a friend tonight! And you know what - I am not and will not be an alcoholic because of that! You really not only pissed me off but hurt me today, it's one in a thousand days someone hurts me like that. If I get dead wasted on a day like this I'm not alcoholic, only human. And another why-I-won't-become-an-alcoholic - I've cleared this up with myself, it's a tie between me and alcohol, we both had one win so far, and because I am me, living my own life, facing 98% of my problems, running away from 1%, hiding from another 1% and to this point I got not just by suffering and having bad times, but with my heart and brain, that help me get through this sane.

So fuck you once more, I see it hurts you see me getting through, hearing from my mouth how you didn't do well when you thought you're saving us from being hurt by dad's drinking, hearing from my mouth how you too should find help for yourself not only dad, hearing from my mouth begging you to find help and change this shitty life of ours. If you feel better after telling me that I haven't suffered enough in my life in comparison to you to be telling you all that, than guess what - that's your problem and learn how to face it! Don't think for a second that I'll feel bad again because I found help for myself and because I am finally feeling better. Please, continue to believe that we have absolutely no power to influence on how our lives go, do that if it makes you feel safer.

As for me, I will be living mine: do things I like, be with people I love, laugh until my cheeks hurt, run until I can't feel my legs. Mom, you will see me fail, get heartbroken, tears in my eyes, the fall when I trip.

That's why you're right - I'll never suffer as much as you do.

I love you, anyway!

Just Dropped a Smaller Bomb...

Since I've decided to talk less and do more about me-myself-and-i, lots of things happened that I'm not talking about. Today I realized most of my family still doesn't know I broke up with my last bf, whom they all know and find him to be the nice guy he is. Anyway, dad missed the conversation so I did a rerun of the show in the evening.


Me: I realized you guys didn't know we broke up, so I just wanted to make it clear.
Dad: What a surprise.


Me: Just so you won't be saying how you're always the last one to hear what's going on. (Even if he actually was this time.)
Dad: ...


Me: Don't say you didn't see this coming? (I thought everyone was already waiting for it to happen for some reason.)
Dad: It's not like anyone would want to stay with a smart-a** like you.


Me: You wouldn't consider I happen to be the one not wanting to stay with him? Or the previous one for that matter? Maybe I set up my expectations a bit too ... well, I guess I only have one: how much he drinks.


Dad: ... So ___ (previous boyfriend whom he liked a lot, I suppose) drinks too much?


Me: I'd say he's got a pretty good potential, yes.
Dad: ...


Then he was nagging about how I won't find another guy who'd do anything for my lazy smart-a** butt because they don't make that type anmore etc etc to avoid the actual theme. As I said, it was just a smaller bomb, no fight followed, my brother gave me a thumb up, when the bomb hit the target. We'll see what tomorrow brings ...

Enjoying a Bubble Bath on a Cold Winter Evening

Winter cold finally came to our little country as well and I only say finally because the sooner we get some of the winter the sooner I can look forward to the first flowers of spring! Yes, I'm one of those who prefer not to wear billion of layers of clothes, staying rather with simple shorts and a T-shirt. Living back home has one great advantage over having a life - I can stay at home all day and night whenever it gets too cold outside! How I hated winters for those freezing mornings when I had to go to school/work and take the bus to get there. These buses were always either overheated and you had to start stripping yourself from your bear-winter-fur of clothes or it's just as freezing as it is outside, possibly with free wooden seats which offer everything but comfort of warmth! If you're lucky it's above 0°C and your body parts aren't freezing, but then it is or it was snowing recently and there's all that shitty slush all around! Anyway, there's plenty of reasons not to like winter in a city, more so if you're dependant on public transport.


On the other hand this season taught me that hiding inside when it gets below 5°C just because you can isn't the best choice either. That way I got an awful virus at the end of last year, spending an hour outside completely unused to the temperature and then going out with friends in the evening of the same day. It cost me 3 weeks heavy duty cold! After long process of healing I started hanging out with my dog almost every day again. She's madly excited about it and it feels equally great to me to do some workout outside for a change.

Consider I was running and it was freezing, don't think you could take a better shot ...

The other day we went for a RUN because it was so sunny and bright I instantly felt like RUNNING. The dog didn't complain obviously. So I dressed up for a winter run - hat, gloves and a light runing jacket - and warmed up inside. We had a pretty good time, coming back home the dog even grabbed one of her toys and we played for a while on the front yard, all together it was nearly an hour. And ... drum roll ... it was -5°C outside! And I loved it! At the end it didn't even feel like my nose is going to fall off anymore!


That was couple days ago, we just came in from a walk now (it was cloudy and grey, I didn't feel quite enough energized for a run ;), again it's -5 outside. The result: NO cold!! I feel great! It's not like my nose didn't nearly fell off again and my butt wouldn't get a cellulite-freeze but - I almost feel like a sports woman in a great shape. WHOOPEE!! ('Almost' only stands there due to my general lazy style of life.)


None of that would be possible without my best doggy friend!! I wish you all had one of her kind, it's always great to have someone equally childish and crazy to hang out, it's so relaxing, almost like watching a video of Linux the Greatest.




Treat yourself a little something today, you must have done something good to deserve a reward;) I'm treating myself with a hot bubble bath!
Take care and always keep a warm smile ready to pop out.