Do you want to say I haven't suffered enough? That I don't know what's a hard childhood because I had both of my parents - simply because they are alive and I live with them? Even though they fought like hell throughout my childhood and yelled at us children every time they had a bad day? Even though dad turned into an alcoholic when I was still a teenager and dragged us through his shit for a third of my life? Even though I'm desperately searching for help, trying to learn and move on from this but I don't want to leave my family behind? Even though I've been hoping we'd find help together yet nobody but myself helped me when I needed it? Even though I begged to face dad and get him to a rehab and you chickened out because it's easier to complain, yell and suffer for you?
I didn't suffer a good portion of shit in my god damn short life so far?! That's what you're trying to say?!
Fuck you!!
Don't worry, my anger with you about today ends with this post, I am too smart to drag this shit with me through life. Because yes, I do believe I make the life I live. And damn, do I feel like getting wasted with a friend tonight! And you know what - I am not and will not be an alcoholic because of that! You really not only pissed me off but hurt me today, it's one in a thousand days someone hurts me like that. If I get dead wasted on a day like this I'm not alcoholic, only human. And another why-I-won't-become-an-alcoholic - I've cleared this up with myself, it's a tie between me and alcohol, we both had one win so far, and because I am me, living my own life, facing 98% of my problems, running away from 1%, hiding from another 1% and to this point I got not just by suffering and having bad times, but with my heart and brain, that help me get through this sane.
So fuck you once more, I see it hurts you see me getting through, hearing from my mouth how you didn't do well when you thought you're saving us from being hurt by dad's drinking, hearing from my mouth how you too should find help for yourself not only dad, hearing from my mouth begging you to find help and change this shitty life of ours. If you feel better after telling me that I haven't suffered enough in my life in comparison to you to be telling you all that, than guess what - that's your problem and learn how to face it! Don't think for a second that I'll feel bad again because I found help for myself and because I am finally feeling better. Please, continue to believe that we have absolutely no power to influence on how our lives go, do that if it makes you feel safer.
As for me, I will be living mine: do things I like, be with people I love, laugh until my cheeks hurt, run until I can't feel my legs. Mom, you will see me fail, get heartbroken, tears in my eyes, the fall when I trip.
That's why you're right - I'll never suffer as much as you do.
I love you, anyway!
I didn't suffer a good portion of shit in my god damn short life so far?! That's what you're trying to say?!
Fuck you!!
Don't worry, my anger with you about today ends with this post, I am too smart to drag this shit with me through life. Because yes, I do believe I make the life I live. And damn, do I feel like getting wasted with a friend tonight! And you know what - I am not and will not be an alcoholic because of that! You really not only pissed me off but hurt me today, it's one in a thousand days someone hurts me like that. If I get dead wasted on a day like this I'm not alcoholic, only human. And another why-I-won't-become-an-alcoholic - I've cleared this up with myself, it's a tie between me and alcohol, we both had one win so far, and because I am me, living my own life, facing 98% of my problems, running away from 1%, hiding from another 1% and to this point I got not just by suffering and having bad times, but with my heart and brain, that help me get through this sane.
So fuck you once more, I see it hurts you see me getting through, hearing from my mouth how you didn't do well when you thought you're saving us from being hurt by dad's drinking, hearing from my mouth how you too should find help for yourself not only dad, hearing from my mouth begging you to find help and change this shitty life of ours. If you feel better after telling me that I haven't suffered enough in my life in comparison to you to be telling you all that, than guess what - that's your problem and learn how to face it! Don't think for a second that I'll feel bad again because I found help for myself and because I am finally feeling better. Please, continue to believe that we have absolutely no power to influence on how our lives go, do that if it makes you feel safer.
As for me, I will be living mine: do things I like, be with people I love, laugh until my cheeks hurt, run until I can't feel my legs. Mom, you will see me fail, get heartbroken, tears in my eyes, the fall when I trip.
That's why you're right - I'll never suffer as much as you do.
I love you, anyway!
No comments:
Post a Comment