Hush little baby don't say a word. Mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird.

I made peace with this world. With the world for what it is as such: wholeness of everything. Crazy chatty summer heat and empty village streets in cold winter. For as much as the sun up there in the skies, sometimes hidden behind the clouds, I too am the same, no matter how many clouds gather around me, I shine on.

I sat on the balcony today, with my spoiled cat in my lap, closed my eyes and  connected mine with sun's existence. Closed my eyes and felt his warmth. A loud group of some noisy kind of birds had a monthly meeting nearby and discussed the matters enthusiastically. Then, in one moment they all shut up and I heard the silence. Only then, after all that chatter, I could fully sensed the silence that matched my own calming thoughts. It was so calming.

Then next topic of monthly meeting was opened and the neighborhood woodpecker woke up.

Outsider II

I guess it's about time that I change the title of this blog. Afterall the greatest lesson of this years was how I can't change others, their lives and thinking, and how I can't blame myself for decisions they make.

The only thing that in fact is in my power is to change myself or better said to help myself grow, learn and improve. To get myself straight while standing on the socially almost acceptable level of craziness.

Outsider I

Brace yourself - here come's another 'about me' blog. Surprised?

Brace yourself once more - remember me talking about this being the time to leave home and live on my own for real? It didn't really work out the way I planned. I kind of ended up moving back home, 'temporarily' of course, only until I finish school. Which should be in couple months ... What will be ...

In a short period of one month back with my family I've had just about enough and the search of an escape got into my dreams, where I explore and enjoy the world the way I can't at home. I now understand my older friends better and that look in their eyes when they were finishing college. Looking at what tomorrow might bring one can hardly be optimistic, especially if your real, adult life is starting not just with your personal crisis of leaving mom's embrace but also with general world crisis.

You feel so smart, a real grown-up, after all you're getting closer to thirties than you are to twenties. You've seen so much, met all these people and experienced just about everything there is fun to try. Life's great!

Then crash boom bang, back to reality hits you right in the face. Especially if you in this uncomfortable phase between school and first job moving back home. After all those years, you realize not much has changed, you're still the same whiny kid arguing with your parents about a new toy you want to have. I know a car or new bed could hardly be called toys but when you need your parents to finance it, they are just that.

I'm well prepared, I dare say. I don't think I'll need or want a new toy anytime soon and I think I can get through this jobless-thesis-writing period without them supporting me with absolutely everything. After years and years of school, half of it almost fully taking care of myself, this is my first time to be off school, no job, no other regular obligations and I feel almost the worst I ever have. From statistical point of view, most kids leave their home close or after they hit 30 in this country. Damn, is there a chance I might turn out the same if I don't act soon?!

It is time for us to stop molesting our parents about how we know better, about how they should live and be,  how our new modern ways are better than the ones they know. They might never use a computer if they want so and that should be fine for both of the sides. We'll always be their children, we'll always be part of their lives, share the same memories, grow feelings for each other but we should not be making their life anymore. It is time for us to create our very own life, following or not their advices but definitely not blaming them for the mistakes we make anymore.

Yet, here I am, knowing I probably won't do any of that for a while yet. I'm back to that little girl forgeting almost all I've learned in these years and doing things their way. Letting this family's way to get to me and bring me down to my knees. Trying so hard not to forget what I believe(d) into, what I want and how I want it. Even harder not to forget that there is a positive side to life even when they only see the nagative one.

Most of all I'm learning not to blame them for all those stupid decisions I sometimes make. Not to blame my family for this feeling of beeing an outsider, the black sheep of the family, another forever-student lost in the begining of my new adult life.

Not to blame the past for what may happen in the future.