Cutting Through Flesh

First time after many, many years a strange thought sneaked into my mind.

I want to cut myself.

I never did it before, though I considered it, just like all of the others lost cases of children from, in one way or another, problematic families. Or maybe I should use the expression I preffer these days - unhappy families. There's no need for a problem to feel the lack of happiness. Especially for a small child, confused teenager or young adult. That's how far I got at least, I hope one day I won't wish for magic which would create a bit of  happiness that I can't make myself.

I still want to do it.

I think I would feel good. I think physical pain would be so natural and normal to fight with. I'm not suicidal, you don't need to worry about that, although a chance of somebody somewhere worrying about me feels comforting in a way. Thank you.

I want to see my blood dripping from a simple cut.

Simple, because it's so easy to understand the pain that follows when skin is hurt. It is so easy to see life in running blood. It is so easy to accept the pain caused by a sharp knife. It has to hurt and it has to stop hurting. So very different from people who hurt in most disgusting ways one could hurt another. How can they still hurt me so much after all I've gone through, merely with being who they are?!

I love physical pain. It makes me feel normal and alive.

But cutting through my flesh would be easy, too easy, like getting drunk when you can't face a problem or simply ignore the problem as such. Instead I'm gonna hurt some more. I can take some more. For now.

But I still want to do it.

How to: Change in 6 Steps

1. It always goes worse before it can get better, that's the challenge of being strong enough to make a change.
2. You should never blame youself for not managing your life best when you're putting someone else's life and problems first.
3. When you've done your best for others it's the last moment to put yourself back on the first place.
4. Don't hesitate to make sure everyone knows it's your turn now and that it's your right to do so.
5. As Nike says: Just do it! Start from the scratch, one step at a time and be proud of what you've done, something is still far better than nothing!

6a. Anytime you feel like something's not going right,
return to no. 1 and move on from there.
6b. Shhh... do you hear it? It can be flying, running, maybe even swimming or it might walk really slowly ... Yes, that's the sound of a coming change! ;)

If you can worry about others and care about helping them, then you're not a bad person and definitely not selfish. Therefore, do worry and care about yourself too when needed, because if others are worth your help, time, and energy, then so are you.

Attitude Toward Alcohol

My attitude toward alcohol is far from 'normal', obviously. I am proud to say I was NEVER drunk enough to forget what happened on that day, I NEVER passed out or threw up. I had a hangover couple of times and that's all. But I like to have a glass of wine at dinner sometimes or go out for a beer, especially if I'm watching some sports game with friends. If I'm nervous I sometimes have a sip of something strongest I can get at that moment. Also I like to do that coming back home on a freeeeeezing winter night.

Until last year I never thought about this matter, I never thought about consequences of drinking whatever was in my glass, if I felt like it, I drank it. Today I'm a complete mess. Every single time I drink I ask myself why am I drinking.

I noticed I'm drinking just for mom to have some company at it - drinking with the only company of an alcoholic husband would probably make her feel ... I don't know, I guess really bad in some way or another. I also noticed that I have physical problems with drinking alcohol, like headaches or stomach ache even after drinking less than half scoop. Before I sometimes had a sudden desire of having a beer, let say when eating pizza, like the other night. I say before because that other night was months or even more than a year I last felt that desire.

I rarely feel like having a drink. I solely do it for someone or something (I still think it's good when you need to warm yourself fast or when you feel like you're going to catch a cold). And I never drink anything alcoholic without thinking twice about it. That, for me, is abnormal attitude towards alcohol.

If there's anyone reading this and got a bit of a bad feeling - and it wasn't about feeling bad for me - find some help! Probably I sound mostly negative but I did search for help myself and I know I'm getting better. I know I found good help and I know I could never do it alone.

There's absolutely no need for going through this alone - there is always someone who can help you, even if just by hearing what you fear to say.

Even just by reading what I couldn't say to you in person - you help me. THANK YOU!

Living with an alcoholic and still believing

There's days when I don't even think about it and there's days when I can't think of anything else. Once you accept that you're living with an alcoholic it's impossible to ignore it. Once you really accept it, which to me means knowing and understanding what it means to be an alcoholic, what alcoholism is. I accepted it only in the moment when I accepted the answers to most important questions that I had about it.

It's a disease - physical and mental. It's noone's fault - it's a disease as any other. There is a cure - the only way to get well is through abstinence.

Some of you agree, some will get there, some never will. To me believing in this was like finding faith - whenever I have doubts, my answer lies in those beliefs and it helps me move on. Whenever I'm feeling great it helps me not to feel guilty about it anymore. And it never ever lets me forget about it, no matter what happens, how things sometimes change or seem to improve, I know it's there. As long as we all don't accept it and live by these couple facts, or what I call beliefs, there will be an alcoholic in our family. We'll be an alcoholic family and we'll all be addicted to alcohol. My mom and sister would strongly disagree here and now in case I'd be talking to them about it.

But if you can't drink a glass of good, quality wine, beer or chocolate liqueur, whatever suits your taste more, without feeling bad or guilty about it, looking over your shoulder if someone is looking at you, or hating drinking it just because ...

That's not a behaviour of someone who is not personally affected by alcohol(ism). If I lived in a family where no relative would ever had problem with drinking, I'm sure I'd never think about having problems with drinking myself at all. If you ever thought of having some - no, you're not an alcoholic, but you might have someone close to you who got you worried in the first place and you should seek help.

Maybe just to be sure about yourself, if you're attitude toward drinking is 'normal' or not, possibly to help yourself never to get that far as to have a problem with drinking, and ultimately to help someone who has that problem. Not likely by saying it to that person or trying to persuade him/her into finding some help but by setting up a model of non-addiction to alcohol. Maybe one day it'll be one of the triggers that will make someone search for help.

In the end because you will never be able to ignore it again. If you worry about it, look up information about it, talk about it ... in this case that's not enough. You'll still be able to ignore alcoholism, especially in your own family, you will always try to find a good excuse first. And I'm sure you agree with me on this one: IGNORANCE IS THE WRONG ANSWER.

Seeking for help means not ignoring the problem. Not being able to ignore the problem further on will bring even more sorrow, regret, hate ... but when you'll be dealing with it, it will also bring the FREEDOM of knowing you're trying and the freedom of accepting the truth.

(If at any point this post was too religious, that was not my intention, this blog has nothing to do with any religion as such. It's only about believing there is a solution.)

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

Tough, you think you've got the stuff

You're telling me and anyone

You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight

You don't have to always be right

Another day of computer work went by, quite successfull for that. For be what best keeps me close to the keyboard and the screen is music. This U2 song got in line today and made me shut everything else out of my mind. I always wanted to be tough, I thought I had to be. And I always need to be right.

Let me take some of the punches

For you tonight

Listen to me now

I need to let you know

You don't have to go it alone

In a year of time people crossed my path and took some punches for me, for what I'll always be grateful to them. Yet from only a few problems an easy path might follow, I still took most of the punches myself. I know there's plenty more coming. A year is not enough time in fighting with yourself, fighting with everyone, fighting with alcoholism. 

And it's you when I look in the mirror

And it's you when I don't pick up the phone

Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time

You and I...that's alright

We're the same soul

I don't need...I don't need to hear you say

That if we weren't so alike

You'd like me a whole lot more

My lesson, in sharing this song, is that I don't need to take punches that were meant for others. They have to fight their battles themselves. I'd be most pleased to share my knowledge about it but in the end they'll have to learn how to fight and look themselves in the mirror. That's where I'll be waiting. And all of the other fighters who are with me in this. We fight alcoholism together, each in her/his own way.

Listen to me now

I need to let you know

You don't have to go it alone

Can - you - hear - me - when - I -

Sing, you're the reason I sing

(THANK (to) U2)

Letter I

I understand you're busy and so should be I actually. I'm no special than everyone else, I'm so close to finally finishing school for good (at least if I'll want to have more of it, it'll be because I'll want that), the 'real' life I've been longing to live is just around the corner and here I am stuck in a moment. I'm far from worst case scenario, this moment has only been going on for two months now and I'm far from not doing nothing in the meanwhile, you know me. It's also true that I've had a year now that one could consider as that moment but only I know it wasn't. Those ten months before these last two were something I needed to do for myself and these last two are what I want to do for myself. That puts me right where I want to be.

Except that for last couple of days I got something I didn't want - a bad cold from my dearest sister who's got enough guts to help ill kids get better. And I felt lack of something I wanted - inspiration for the work that should keep me really busy these days and weeks.

That's why I'm not busy these days at all and what could take only couple weeks is taking couple months from me, my bad entirely. Well, if you want to do something great it's not supposed to be easy, right?

Ironically, I'm feeling strong desire to write at the same time as I lack inspiration for writing what I should be working on. Also simultaneously I feel like listening to or reading a good story from someone. No matter how much I write about myself, so much more than you ever could probably, in the end I can really feed only on what I get from others. So I've been thinking a lot trying to find a good question to ask you. By a lot I actually mean a lot because I don't think of myself as a good question-maker. I found a question that I have great interest in and if for you it'll be an answer you'll want to write down for me, I'll meet my goals in this question-making.

What were you mom and dad like?

It's one of those questions to which every answer is the right answer but it might be unexpected for most people, that's why the long intro. Plus I managed to write something and feel like I've just had a free therapy, which makes this my next blog post. I killed two birds with one stone and this day turns out to be quite fine. I'll go and do some hard physical work now and let you the brain work. My sewing machine awaits!