I've always had this tendency to run away and dissapear and I never really thought about where it comes from. I thought I'm just trying to escape to whichever unbearable situation. I thought it was just another flaw, a sign of weakness when I couldn't confront my life.
On the other hand, everytime I'm away far from everyone I care of, there's always new people that get so close to me, new friendships develop, that in the end I'm afraid of leaving them in order to return back home. Sometimes I even feel like only leaving makes me realize how attached I am to people around me and how I'll always miss someone no matter where I am. And this hurts. At the same time it feels beautiful to have all this amazing people around you even if they're physically on the other side of the world. Because of that I'll always be a fan of new tech and social networks that steal our privacy on one side but enable us to keep in touch with our loved ones that we can't spend 'real' time with whenever we want.
That much about fear of leaving. Then there's the whole other side of the story ...
I'm afraid of returning, I'm afraid of getting stuck there. I'm not the same girl anymore. I don't want to get sucked in that alcoholic cycle of hell again. It frightens me!!!!! I've been away for so many months, I created a new life of my own, different routine, different lunch menus, I've been on my own again, leaving my life. Sure, as my flatmates would kindly remind me, I never really left my family life back home and there were many crisis moments. But many of them was just because of this fear coming more and more to life. I want to go home, I want to see my friends and family again, spend the summer in my beautiful country! I just want it to be only holidays for me. I want to keep lliving my life then. Live on my own, get a job, go out with friends, sleep in my bed with my guy without having to introduce him to my whole family. All those ordinary things young women do. Yeah, I want a life of a young woman, not just another trapped alcoholic's daughter.
I'm going back home in couple of weeks. Keep your fingers crossed for me, whoever you are reading this, send me all the positive thoughts you can, I'll need them.
On the other hand, everytime I'm away far from everyone I care of, there's always new people that get so close to me, new friendships develop, that in the end I'm afraid of leaving them in order to return back home. Sometimes I even feel like only leaving makes me realize how attached I am to people around me and how I'll always miss someone no matter where I am. And this hurts. At the same time it feels beautiful to have all this amazing people around you even if they're physically on the other side of the world. Because of that I'll always be a fan of new tech and social networks that steal our privacy on one side but enable us to keep in touch with our loved ones that we can't spend 'real' time with whenever we want.
That much about fear of leaving. Then there's the whole other side of the story ...
I'm afraid of returning, I'm afraid of getting stuck there. I'm not the same girl anymore. I don't want to get sucked in that alcoholic cycle of hell again. It frightens me!!!!! I've been away for so many months, I created a new life of my own, different routine, different lunch menus, I've been on my own again, leaving my life. Sure, as my flatmates would kindly remind me, I never really left my family life back home and there were many crisis moments. But many of them was just because of this fear coming more and more to life. I want to go home, I want to see my friends and family again, spend the summer in my beautiful country! I just want it to be only holidays for me. I want to keep lliving my life then. Live on my own, get a job, go out with friends, sleep in my bed with my guy without having to introduce him to my whole family. All those ordinary things young women do. Yeah, I want a life of a young woman, not just another trapped alcoholic's daughter.
I'm going back home in couple of weeks. Keep your fingers crossed for me, whoever you are reading this, send me all the positive thoughts you can, I'll need them.
No comments:
Post a Comment