I've been living thousand miles away from my family for almost half of a year now. I turned a new page, started a different life in an unknown place. Working hard, learning new languages, creating new friendships, even falling in love.
But it takes almost nothing to come right back to where I was for all those years before I moved away.
A weekend free of any obligations. A photo on Facebook. An email from sister. Or just a random drunk guy walking out of the bar.
Nothing changed at home. I know that. I saw it, others confirmed it. My dad's still turning in his cycles. My mum still doesn't have the courage to face him directly. My siblings still say it doesn't hurt them.
I, thousand miles away, am still searching for what I could do more, better, smarter.
It's been exactly six years since I was trembling during that awfull drive and we got back home with only a broken side mirror. Six years since I realized that alcohol is controlling my dad. I have no idea how much earlier, before I was ready to accept this fact, it really started. Since then we've gone through nearly all those stages of addicted families. He stopped drinking beer, then he stopped with the wine, for couple weeks first, then for couple months. Reassured that he can still control it, started drinking again, first one glass, then uncountable amounts. Laughed and joked on his sober days, being the perfect dad one could wish for, agonized and terorized everyone with his hatred and pain on the drunk ones. Up and down, back and forth we followed him.
All of this is still going on, only that there's a thousand miles between us. Only that I don't have to see nor smell it. And the little voice that got stuck in my head through all those hours of therapy keeps repeating the same thing. I can help most if I have a happy and fullfilled life. Fine! I know you're right! It just feels so unreal to be happy!
Being happy? What it that? Only good luck on the days when you manage to forget about the rest. But I'll keep on trying, until I believe I too have the right to be happy, until I accept that good times come and go just as well as the bad times aren't supposed to last forever.
But it takes almost nothing to come right back to where I was for all those years before I moved away.
A weekend free of any obligations. A photo on Facebook. An email from sister. Or just a random drunk guy walking out of the bar.
Nothing changed at home. I know that. I saw it, others confirmed it. My dad's still turning in his cycles. My mum still doesn't have the courage to face him directly. My siblings still say it doesn't hurt them.
I, thousand miles away, am still searching for what I could do more, better, smarter.
It's been exactly six years since I was trembling during that awfull drive and we got back home with only a broken side mirror. Six years since I realized that alcohol is controlling my dad. I have no idea how much earlier, before I was ready to accept this fact, it really started. Since then we've gone through nearly all those stages of addicted families. He stopped drinking beer, then he stopped with the wine, for couple weeks first, then for couple months. Reassured that he can still control it, started drinking again, first one glass, then uncountable amounts. Laughed and joked on his sober days, being the perfect dad one could wish for, agonized and terorized everyone with his hatred and pain on the drunk ones. Up and down, back and forth we followed him.
Being happy? What it that? Only good luck on the days when you manage to forget about the rest. But I'll keep on trying, until I believe I too have the right to be happy, until I accept that good times come and go just as well as the bad times aren't supposed to last forever.
... just talked to my cousin who went through rehab with her dad many years ago ... still now she has dificulties making decisions, searching for her way of life, accepting that she has a right to be happy ... it seems like a neverending story!
ReplyDeleteExcept that it's not: life is a change! We've got a lot to learn and it may take a lifetime but we can get there if we take good care of ourselves and let others do the same ... Because one can only really break one heart - his/her own.