It seems that last 8 months have gone by so fast, I can't decide if that would be positive or negative. I probably learned a lot of valuable lessons of life but they took so much time and energy for me that I kind of skipped other things in life that matter just as much.
After couple year of being partly on my own, coming home only and not even for every weekend, I developed a different way of living. Weekends with family were relaxing, spending time with pets, enjoying outdoor activities etc. On the other hand, dad's drinking got bigger and bigger issue and in the middle of schooling, those weekends turned into good and bad ones. I had a life of my own, then by the end of the week I was desperatly hoping for a good weekend in another life, with family. No matter what, the negativity, sarcasm, disgust, fear, hate and lonelyness changed us all, even in good times, we drag them along, preventing ourselves from becoming happy.
Friends told me not to feel so guilty about family's situation, not to blame myself for it. In last couple months I stopped feeling responsible for everything but I know being a part of it for so many years - I now believe it was always existing, alcohol(ism) was always somewhere in our family's subconsious - makes me just as guilty for it as everyone else is. We're human, we make mistakes, but we also make or don't make decisions.
Only recently I decided that I want and can change it, that I can help dad and the family and I can help myself to a better future. The quest changed it's path in the meantime, as others didn't want to move on with me, I kept on going with one purpose only - to change myself. Hopefully, I will succeed and if so, hopefully, my family will start following my steps on their own path.
Things turned out this way that I'm still spending more time at home than in my appartment at the city where I have a job. Dad's doing really good, however I can't agree with him on the way he wants to solve the problem. I hate watching him drink a glass of wine or beer and seeing as mush of shame because we all know, because we all 'monitor' his every sip, as there is the fear of wanting more after the last sip of that one glass. It kills me to know that these feelings most likely won't ever be gone, not the way he (we) is thinking now. It kills me to see others move on in nearly exactly the same way they did before, just hoping that this it it, that we're done with it - not even thinking about changing their own ways as well as dad's trying to change his. It is his decision, he is the one to be strong and fight against the need for more but things like alcoholism don't evolve because of one reason, they are the result of multiple factors, including lifestyle, relationships, family's attitude towards life ...
At this point, again, I wish to do it my way and follow my beliefs. I want to move out for real, go back to what I want to live like, get back my friends and social life and at least in the very last thought that would cross ones mind be a positive example of how things can change and not the negative selfish bastard who left others struggle on their own ...
After couple year of being partly on my own, coming home only and not even for every weekend, I developed a different way of living. Weekends with family were relaxing, spending time with pets, enjoying outdoor activities etc. On the other hand, dad's drinking got bigger and bigger issue and in the middle of schooling, those weekends turned into good and bad ones. I had a life of my own, then by the end of the week I was desperatly hoping for a good weekend in another life, with family. No matter what, the negativity, sarcasm, disgust, fear, hate and lonelyness changed us all, even in good times, we drag them along, preventing ourselves from becoming happy.
Friends told me not to feel so guilty about family's situation, not to blame myself for it. In last couple months I stopped feeling responsible for everything but I know being a part of it for so many years - I now believe it was always existing, alcohol(ism) was always somewhere in our family's subconsious - makes me just as guilty for it as everyone else is. We're human, we make mistakes, but we also make or don't make decisions.
Only recently I decided that I want and can change it, that I can help dad and the family and I can help myself to a better future. The quest changed it's path in the meantime, as others didn't want to move on with me, I kept on going with one purpose only - to change myself. Hopefully, I will succeed and if so, hopefully, my family will start following my steps on their own path.
Things turned out this way that I'm still spending more time at home than in my appartment at the city where I have a job. Dad's doing really good, however I can't agree with him on the way he wants to solve the problem. I hate watching him drink a glass of wine or beer and seeing as mush of shame because we all know, because we all 'monitor' his every sip, as there is the fear of wanting more after the last sip of that one glass. It kills me to know that these feelings most likely won't ever be gone, not the way he (we) is thinking now. It kills me to see others move on in nearly exactly the same way they did before, just hoping that this it it, that we're done with it - not even thinking about changing their own ways as well as dad's trying to change his. It is his decision, he is the one to be strong and fight against the need for more but things like alcoholism don't evolve because of one reason, they are the result of multiple factors, including lifestyle, relationships, family's attitude towards life ...
At this point, again, I wish to do it my way and follow my beliefs. I want to move out for real, go back to what I want to live like, get back my friends and social life and at least in the very last thought that would cross ones mind be a positive example of how things can change and not the negative selfish bastard who left others struggle on their own ...
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