Trying to Move On ...

It’s been more than a month since and I still don’t know what happened. It felt as simple as if I just woke up to life, to being present. The days behind me appeared in fog. It felt as if I was possessed by someone I didn’t know for all these months, since the moment I came back to my family. Yet I knew the person that possessed me, we’ve met before, we’ve been meeting regularly since I remember. So far she only stayed present for couple days most, you know, the down days. This time I didn’t even know she was there, and she stayed for months! She – I – nearly killed myself!!! It was too close …

What the hell happened?! How can I understand? Can I prevent it from happening again?

The good thing is, I feel the clearness of my mind. It’s like I stopped taking drugs and can see life clearly now. I feel I’m in control of my life again and it feels amazing!

But I’m trembling every morning, I’m still in a foreign country, I’m still fighting to get a job, to make new friends, to make peace with myself and family in the past. I’m unsure about myself and how to continue my life and I’m terrified of returning to that point. I try to accept that part of me and in truth I kind of like it; I always had, to have a day of crying your soul out, writing down my fears and worries, feeling like a helpless hurt animal. I kind of like those days – because when I woke up the morning after I felt so good and strong!

Until now I called those days simply bad days. All this time that I passed in fog, it’s more than just days, or weeks, or months. It’s a frightening era that in another time or space might be called depression.